Dear R,

We just got back from vacation spent with your grandparents, uncles, and potential aunt (I *think* an engagement was mentioned). Some parts were nice: visiting the places of my childhood, being surrounded by snow-covered mountains and towering pines. But, mostly, it was exhausting. You refused to sleep during the flight there and back. You viewed my family as strangers and clung pitifully to me the entire two weeks (I have newly bulging biceps to show for it--scared the heck out of me when I spotted them showing off while I was brushing my hair in front of the mirror). We had to share a room, which was sheer hell for me; you made sure to wake us often throughout the night.

But we're back now, thank god, and mom is slowly recuperating. And you're returning to your usual cheery self. You've been getting more independent-minded, these past few days. You want what you what "and don't even bother trying to distract me with that stupid ladle." Suddenly, you want to wear shoes--mine and dad's. You have two push-and-walk toys but you stubbornly return again and again to your own stroller, which isn't one of those little umbrella fold-up types, by the way; you've even figured out how to release the break, when mom sneakily tries to thwart your efforts. And you want to feed yourself, god help me--but NO HIGH CHAIR. You leave food trails on the kitchen floor like some omnivorous snail. I'm considering putting you into the bathtub naked and letting you do as you please with your dinner; right now, that consists of you violently stabbing your fork and spoon into the bowl and sending food flying everywhere. You then attack the food with your hands and like to finish off with using mom as a giant serviette. I think I need a bib more than you do.

You still hate your infant car seat. Which reminds me to record this: Your eyebrows turn bright red when you've had a long bout of rage-induced crying. It's really...cute and funny. Which I guess makes me a bad mom for giggling a bit when viewing her baby's tear-stained face. I realized last night that I'd become a true mom when I found myself driving home, singing cheerfully along with the radio, and really not bothered in the least by the fact that you were shrieking in the back at full volume, wailing as if your tender baby heart were being torn from your chest.

But I must say that you're actually not a big cryer. These days, say you topple over and hit your poor head, you'll right yourself and just rub the injured spot with a puzzled frown on your face (I guess because I usually do that for you, but does it really make the pain better?). It's endearing.

I love how your personality is showing itself more and more. You like smells and have a nose like a hound dog. The minute I break into the skin of a mandarin orange, your head pops up in eager anticipation. You love cinnamon and could happily sniff a bottle of it the whole day. And I can't even get a spoon of yogurt close to your face before you start shaking your head in refusal. Sometimes, I find myself smiling even when you're turning your head away from a particular food, because I love that you have actual opinions on such matters and that you're already standing up for your beliefs. Before, you were like a little animal, utterly helpless; but you're steadily growing into your own person. It's amazing.

Etsy Share: Wooden Toy Boat

I think these hand-made wooden toy boats sold at the Friendly Fairies Etsy store are so pretty. Unlike the stiff plastic versions usually found in toy shops, these boats have such a strong tactile sensuality to them. Don't you just want to run your fingers along the wood? I especially love the wood-burned details, and it's great to know all the boats are "painted with non toxic paint and triple sealed with a non toxic hard coating."

One Red Dot

R just woke up from nap but want to post this QUICK! Was at the book store with her yesterday and holy cow, pop-up books: not how I remember them. Saw a particularly incredible series of books by David A. Carter, but I thought the best of the lot was the first volume, One Red Dot.



I admit this is not the best book for my baby, who eats magazines for breakfast--literally, of course--but it is so much fun, I'm considering buying it anyway and letting her enjoy it...from a distance.

Good snack for breastfeeding moms

I've kind of joked about this before, but it IS really hard to be constantly hungry because you're breastfeeding or simply don't have the time (or aren't allowed--if you have one of those babies, you know what I mean) to eat, while trying to take care of a baby/toddler. Today, we hadn't even reached the time for R's first nap and I was already wiped out. And literally dizzy from hunger. So I strapped her on my back and made pancakes. I know everyone has his or her own favorite recipe, but I've tried LOTS of different ones and this recipe from the Joy of Baking website just seems fail-proof every time and produces my ideal pancake: light texture (not gummy or chewy), just a hint of a crisp caramelized exterior, and no bitter taste. The last point is, I think, due to the fact that the batter calls for melted butter (not oil, which to me tastes a bit bitter) and baking powder, rather than baking soda (which, again, bitter).

But actually the point of this post was to talk about a great quick-grab snack for lactating moms: Yo Baby (Stonyfield Farm brand). Yep, the yogurt for babies. To be honest, I don't want R eating this stuff because I'm trying to keep her sugar intake low for as long as I can control her--mwa ha. So, R gets plain yogurt. I used to eat plain, too, because I loathe the sugary flavored adult yogurts out there. But you do need to mix plain with some fruit to cut the sourness--and these days, I just don't have the time for that (all that fruit washing and fruit slicing and fruit sprinkling). So on a hunch, I decided to try Yo Baby...and it's good. It still has 12 grams of sugar per serving, but that's about half the amount of the adult versions, and it definitely tastes better because of this. Also, it's full fat, which helps satisfy my hunger and is what I need right now, with my body still churning out the breastmilk. Lastly, it's the perfect size for a quick snack.

That's my recommendation for the day.

I was definitely on a roll, in terms of blogging recently, but the previous post might explain the week of silence. Sigh. Little R has not been a happy camper, and it doesn't look to be a fleeting phase or a passing illness (am I terrible mom for almost hoping she'd get sick and then turn back into a happy baby again?). She's also suddenly resisting naps and waking up at all hours of the night.

What I've read about one year olds is that it's pretty common for them to get separation anxiety about now and--here's the best part--it's not unheard of for this phase to last until eighteen months. Hmmm. More than half a year of this clinging and wailing and tantrum-throwing. Interesting.

It seems the best way to deal with separation anxiety is to give the baby as much reassurance as possible. Lots of holding and cuddling and eye contact. I think if you try to force a baby to confront his or her fear of being alone, you're only going to end up with a little octopus suction-sealed to your chest whenever the two of you are together. After all, a one year old really is still very much a baby and *shouldn't* be independent yet.

Except that my arm sometimes feels like it's about to fall off because she wants me to hold her in my arms, not my Beco baby carrier. And there are certain things that you just cannot do--or, I at least am too stupid to do--one-armed.

And when, inevitably, I have to set the baby down--to change her diaper or clothes, for example--there's so much yelling and screaming, I'm really terrified my neighbor is going to call Child Services on me.

This makes for a long, tiring day. I was just emailing a friend that I've stumbled upon a new and very effective weight-loss strategy: the too-tired-to-eat diet. I've actually gone to bed two nights in a row now with my empty stomach protesting most vehemently and yet with no trouble falling asleep.

So what this meandering post is is an advanced apology if things suddenly go very silent on this blog. Check back in eight months. Oh god.

Dear R,

You're a very sweet baby. Just not today. Or yesterday. Or this whole week. Wow, have you got some bee up your bonnet lately. And there's absolutely no way to know for sure what's causing all this infant ire.

Most likely, it's: teething (will this particular insanity never end?), looming illness, or maybe a new developmental milestone (but why do you need to get mad about this, I ask you?). You have had a lot of firsts, this week. You figured out how to wave bye-bye. Your technique is charming, but the application is a little iffy. Often your timing will be off (you'll be waving even though nobody's leaving or after dad's shut the door and gone off to work) or you wave at people who are completely unaware of your attention (like passersby on the sidewalk below). And today, you made an attempt at clapping--for yourself, apparently, after you put a toy block into a bowl (another first). I did make a pretty big deal out of it. I think what got me so excited was that I first asked you to try doing it and then you did, you understood me.

Anyhow, it's been a long week, for both of us. I actually thought today, "Dear god, it's only Thursday?" and to accurately capture the voice in my head, you'd have to inject a boatload of shrill panic and despair into it. That's right, sweetie, sometimes you do make mom tired. There was a lot of not-sleeping today, starting very early in the morning, combined with plenty of whining and collapsing and crying and trying to climb up mom's neck and stiff flopping like a fish dragged out of the water.

I really hope you feel better tomorrow, baby. It's your birthday, after all.

Lapsaky Cotton-Fleece Romper

The cotton-fleece romper that I recently bought online arrived today. Not hating it, not thrilled.

The good: The inside of the romper is really soft--just like polyester fleece. I went with the "natural" color (no dyes or bleaching), which in the photo on the website looks stark white, but in reality is a nice cream.

The bad: The website describes this as a winter romper, but even though it's not *that* cold where we live, this romper is not thick enough to be worn on its own. For people in truly cold climates, this might not be the best romper for your babies--unless you're the type of people who, say, like to frolic in semi-frozen bodies of water or have your babies nap outdoors in the winter, and probably think I'm a total wimp for classifying my current location as anything less than balmy. Nevertheless, in my wimpy opinion, I'd say the romper would be more suitable for fall/spring. So my first problem with the romper is: What's the point of the snuggly cotton fleece if you have to wear layers underneath it and thus not get to enjoy the snuggliness? Yes, that's right, I am peeved on my baby daughter's behalf.

Then here comes problem number two. There is a zipper that goes all the way from the neck down to the left ankle cuff. Since I've been known to shriek uncreative curses at snap buttons in my head--usually while trying to do up about a trillion snap buttons around a flailing, hysterical baby--you would think I'd be appreciative of this zip. Except that there's this lining along the zipper track on the inside that is stiff and scratchy. Again with the scratchy. Not comfy. Not snuggly, damn it.

I could stop fussing and just leave my baby to suffer with an itchy left leg as she sleeps, but these little things REALLY bug me. I know, it's her leg, not mine. But it STILL BUGS ME.

So here we are, with a nice, cuddly-soft cotton-fleece romper but it looks like R will always have to wear an extra inner layer. Maybe that scratchy wool underwear I recently bought her. Argh.